Can you do me a favor? The next time you engage a team member or work colleague in a conversation, please pause first and ask yourself:

“Will my words PULL this person closer to me and toward trust, learning, or engagement?

Or will my words PUSH them away in fear and defensiveness?”

Your everyday interactions—especially your word choices and also your tone, voice volume, timing, body language, etc.— serve as powerful levers and triggers. They can nudge people one way or the other – either toward you if they sense positive opportunities or away if they anticipate fear and danger.

As examples, read these phrases. The first one can trigger fear and fright even in a highly-functioning, confident individual. The second phrase is neutral. The third one is inviting.

Examples

1. “It’s time for me to give you a mini-performance review.”
2. “Let’s touch base about what’s going on.”
3. “We haven’t talked in a while and I want to make sure you’re okay. Let’s get together and catch up.”

When you make an effort to pull people toward you, you’re practicing “connection-based leadership.” This is not new but it deserves reinforcing because so many leaders don’t practice it regularly. And this type of leadership has huge a positive impact on you, your team members, and your culture. Here’s why.

Connection-based leadership focuses on practicing curiosity, compassion, and co-creation in a safe environment. You move people toward possibilities, which encourages them to be open, learn and trust you and others. Being in a “toward” state promotes collaboration, creativity, and insight.

The power of a “toward state”

Helping employees move to a “toward” state—where the brain feels safe—is based on the work of the neuroscientist Dr. Evian Gordon and his 1-2-4 model, which explains the brain’s core organizing principles. Evian identified one of the brain’s most fundamental rules: we constantly seek to minimize danger and maximize reward. This “toward reward–away from danger” dynamic shapes how people think, feel, and behave in every moment, whether at work, home, play or anywhere else.

Dr. David Rock, co-founder and CEO of the NeuroLeadership Institute (where I did my coach training and initial neuroscience studies), built on Evian’s work by creating the SCARF framework with the help of other neuroscientists. SCARF uses the “toward-away” concept to show how social factors at work can trigger the same threat-reward responses as physical threats in everyday leadership and workplace behavior.  (SCARF stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.)

By contrast,  those who use “fear-based management” tend to center on control, compliance, and critique. When individuals sense they’re under threat – anything that feels like they’re losing control or status, such as being excluded or dealing with uncertainty – they become defensive. And their performance can diminish. That’s because when individuals are in an “away” state, they narrow their focus, becoming more concerned about self-protection and preserving their energy and their current situation. Since they’re using their mental and physical resources to protect themselves, they can’t perform at their potential.

Thanks to pioneers like Dr. Evian Gordon, Dr. David Rock, Dr. Stephen Porges, the originator of The Polyvagal Theory, and others, we now know that leadership is about more than leading people. Effective leaders also help themselves and others manage our nervous systems. For example:

• Our brain reacts to social threats (like criticism or exclusion) as if they were physical threats.
• Fear-based “away” cues from all types of threats – social and physical – release cortisol and adrenaline in our system, which impair working memory and complex reasoning.
• “Toward” cues release dopamine and oxytocin , which enhance trust, motivation, and openness.

Furthermore, leaders’ emotional states are contagious. Employees subconsciously tune into their leader’s affect through co-regulation. This means a calm curious leader can reduce tension in others while a reactive or anxious leader can increase tension.

So leaders who are self-aware and work to create a sense of safety for everyone aren’t practicing purely “soft” skills. Instead, self-aware leaders who are grounded are not just practicing good self-care, they are using a different type of performance lever for their team members. They are acting strategically to improve cognitive performance and unleashing the best of everyone’s brains.

How to move people to a “toward” state

How do you help people get to a “toward” state? Practice sincere micro-moments of connection. This often involves adjusting your choice of words.  Also consider each small exchange you have either as deposits or withdrawal from the “trust bank” you have with others.

For example, here are five ways to use language to connect better with others, including putting them in a “toward” state that builds trust:

1. Say “Help me understand what happened…” instead of “Why didn’t you…”
2. Explain and ask “Here’s what’s working well…. How can we build on this?” rather than immediately jumping to solving problems.
3. Ask “How are you feeling about this change?” instead of assuming that others are already aligned with you and your plans.
4. Be optimistic and see the glass – and projects and assignments – as half full rather than half-empty. Progress and hope put people in a “toward” state; calling people out for being stuck or stagnant and in despair pushes them to an “away” state.
5. Use people’s names, make eye contact, and match tone—all cues of respect and safety – when talking with individuals.

When employees spend most of their time in a “toward” state, they become:

• More engaged because they feel safe and valued.
• Willing to collaborate more because they have stronger connections with their leader and team members, thanks to increased oxytocin that enhances empathy and bonding.
• More open to challenge their thinking and encourage themselves and others to think more creatively, thanks to increased doses of
• More accountable because they don’t fear being blamed for things that happen outside of their control.

The next time you have a conversation, remember that the more you can move people toward possibilities and away from punishment, the more respect and trust you’ll build, which can lead to better performance. You’ll also experience how psychological safety and emotional intelligence are not just soft skills; they also are business-critical skills building increased capacity too.